My house is a bit less than serene. I have a son who has some issues and frequently explodes in outbursts. Typically, I react in kind, and the argument escalates. I often have a sore throat after from yelling. I do not like when I act that way.
Last night, I tried something different. When he was yelling and swearing, I went into my room, sat on the edge of my bed, closed my eyes, and meditated. Nothing fancy, just following my breath.
A warm glow came steadily from my core to envelope me in a peaceful bliss. My son came in and asked what I was doing. “Nothing,” was my reply.
Truly, I was doing absolutely nothing, and relishing the act of simply being. In and out my breaths. I focused on just sitting there, eyes closed, not acting or reacting. Even when he was yelling at me, calling me names, I just sat there, eyes closed, breathing in and out.
It felt like a glass bubble formed around me. My son was looking to engage with me, and these hateful expressions were designed to get my attention. The more I focused inward, the more it was like his words and insults just slid around me. He had nothing to engage with. I had an almost 3rd-party experience watching him spew hateful words while I sat, perfectly calm and still. I was like a mirror, allowing him to see what he was doing, and that it really had nothing to do with me.
My inaction seemed to infuriate him, yet I stayed in that quiet place. By having nothing to engage with, no one to fight, he ran out of steam rather quickly. I found my meditation to be very much like a refuge. A refuge from his rage. (I will say, he was not a physical threat, but simply verbal. Don’t do this if you are potentially in harms way with an abuser.)
I hope I can remember this. More importantly, I hope I make an effort to meditate regularly. By meditating, a deep part of the brain is ‘activated,’ which leads to a stronger sense of calm even when I’m not meditating. In my meditation, a mantra formed. “All” with the in-breath, “One” with the out-breath.
I realized that I changed the world. See, I am part of the world. If I consciously switch from being angry to being calm, I change, and because my consciousness is part of the whole, a part of the whole is changed. Be the change you wish to see and the change you wish to see becomes real. Namaste.
Writer, mom, wife, friend. Even though I've been sober since 1988, I still love the Grateful Dead. I like to play pretend and dress-up with the Society for Creative Anachronism. I'm over 50-years-old and can spend hours playing Assassin's Creed on the Xbox.
My husband says that I "always have to have a cause." I value honesty, fairness, and justice. I believe that equity is worth standing up for. And I love horses.