Defining Moment: Bidding Hedonism Goodbye

Remember two mornings ago?

You heard my footsteps
And opened your door
Just in time
To meet my eye
Before ignoring my greeting

Faithless
Lying
Destructive

Lover of your self image
Not of me
Not me at all

I was penniless
Without food or drink
Wounded from the suicide attempt
To which your thirty five year old
Junior High School style sniggers
And those of all your friends
Had driven me
When

After having assured me
Repeatedly and in writing
I was not only free
But welcome
To come and go
Without condition

You left me outdoors
For two days and nights
Choosing that time
To leverage a rental contribution
I would have made anyway
And always have

Though every single time
In all those years
You used the money yourself
And then lied about it
To everyone we know

There’s the limit of your
Actual concern

Vindictive
For nothing I ever did
Elaborately publicly protective
Of all I am not
Distorter, expander,
Misinterpreter and
Enthusiastic advertiser
Of every weakness I possess
And many I do not
Deliberately ignorant
Of any value I may have,
To you or anyone

Guess it ain’t gonna change
You never gonna reach out for the truth
Been right here begging for a year
While you offered it
With elaborate kindness
The food it had brought for you
In front of guests
And showed them its many gifts to you
Without mentioning their origin

Perhaps you will drive it the
Rest of the way out now
Same as it ever has been
After it gone,
Act like y’heart’s broken
Way better at acting
Than anything real
Any more

Or perhaps you’ll permit it
To pay you to stay
Well out of the way
Since it, at least, can be counted on
To behave politely
Clean up after itself
Not mess with other people’s possessions
Not eat anyone else’s food
Not make nearly any noise
Not use much energy or hot water
Not barf on the couch
Pay in full and on time
You’d think that would qualify even a stranger

But one thing I learned
Best efforts don’t guarantee fair play
Thanks for the reminder
You’d think I’d learn
You think

Maybe you read this poem

I never know about it
But you take it up with
Every
Damn body but me
Complete with extensive
And dramatic commentary
Maybe a few judicious tears
For best effect
Maybe quite a few

If you did come to me it might be to
Try to grab it right out of my hand
Like my house keys that afternoon
And then stand in my face
Had to ask you
Calmly, quietly
To step back
Using the word please
Dozens of times
Remember?

What do you call that?
I call it elder abuse
The law calls it assault
You wonder why I avoid you

No you don’t

You want it this way
One more thing to complain about
Behind my back
While secretly celebrating
The increased room
For your ongoing operations
Of sabotage
On any potential credibility
I might accidently accrue
In anyone else’s mind

You’re looking forward to the day
I get a little feebler
And gotta worry ’bout you

Only reason to act that way
There is in the whole world

So that good morning
Of mine you ignored
Was not after all
A good morning I guess
In all the ways most important to me
But unimportant to you, it is clear

So this should not disturb your
Headlong career
From simple hedonism
Along the edges of
Psychosis
It being a fine
Morning for you
Score one early
Effortless

What am I doing right here
Right now
That you have not been doing
For decades?

Ah, there is one difference:

When I myself stop
With the despicable affirmations
And the tiny, restrained
Explanatory comments
You have the genius
Of forcing me into
In front of other people
With your

Delayed information
Partial information
Backward, fictional, invented
Information but mostly
Complete lack thereof

And after forcing me into them
Love to point to
Loudly calling me negative
Confused
Disoriented
Delusional
Paranoid

May no one ever call you those things
I’ve certainly gone way out of my way not to
Even though it’s common knowledge
What we continually accuse the other of
Is the fault we ourselves possess

When I actually open up
About you
As I am
Finally
Now
Here
For the first time
At last

Unlike yourself
I’m actually
Telling the truth

Got the written record
From you
Bad grammar and all

What
Did I say something
Not affirmative?

Feels new, huh?

I won’t do it again
Don’t worry
Not my style
Your style
Won’t be saying much at all
To hear it come back
The way you send it
Twisted beyond recognition

So in all ways
Which mean nothing to you:
Genuine joy of companionship
Disinterested interest
Unconditional affirmation
Spontaneous outreach
Unguarded communion

Oh, so, so much
You won’t miss at all
At least of this I can be sure
Having gone so far
Out of your way
So often to prove
In what small esteem you hold it

Knowing you still have
What you really want
Me for a few minutes a day
To get credit for and rent from
And to humiliate

And,
To hear you tell it
Repeatedly and in detail,
At such terrible inconvenience
To yourself

No expense, mind you
No rides
No real favors asked
Not even taking up
Room in the house
But
So
So
Difficult
However easy
It tries
So amusingly hard
To be

It turned out to be
Instead of a good morning
Indeed a

Good
Bye
My heart

I hope you find yourself
Happy
I hope it works for you
I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
For whatever it is
For which you have been working so hard
To make me sad
And so hard as well to seem not to

Whatever it
Might have been
To you or some other
This life or some other
I’ve paid in full
And more than full
Don’t you worry
Honey

So goodbye
From my heart to yours
Starting now

And
Good morning
To you

For a few
Or a few
Mornings more

That is
If you care
At all to hear it

If not I’ll
Just
Keep it to my
Self

Where I guess
It must have belonged
All along

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