From time to time, I just go into my shell. I get into a phase in which I just withdraw from people. I stop messaging. I avoid calls. And I just make an excuse when people want to meet me. I don’t do that because I don’t like them anymore. I do that because I just don’t want to talk to anyone for some time. And it’s not depression or something doomsday. It’s just that I want to be left alone. And this time teaches me a lot, a hell lot. I realize that people whom I thought of as someone important were just a passing pleasant breeze in my life. And they do perfectly fine without me when I stop talking to them. There is nothing like concern or their world becomes empty without me. Barring very few people, nobody really cares. And that shakes me up, you know. That makes me realize that I was just wasting so much of my emotions and time on people who didn’t deserve that much from me. I feel a little bad, hurt, yes. But then, I feel happy that now I know who I have and who was just someone pretending to be there.
Solitude brings a lot of calmness into my chaos. I realize what things are important for me and need my attention. I shut out all those temporary distractions who were just energy suckers. Look, the problem with me is that I put so much heart into things that I end up losing almost all of me in others, while others don’t even give a part of themselves to me. And I get so happy and involved, and so soon, that I don’t even realize that people are just using me. So, this alone time acts as a detox for me. I can really visualize what wrong things were done to me by people. It’s empoewring, yes. But, it also makes me feel very lonely, at times. There are times when I feel that I have no one. I fall weak. I get negative thoughts. I spend sleepless nights, wondering why people are so bad. But, somehow, all these scars make my soul strong. I soak in so much hurt in my heart that my heart becomes more cold and practical. I feel like I don’t need them anymore to live my life and be happy.
I know many of you will be feeling that I go through the same things, exactly. And yes, we all go through this “to stay or to leave” phase. And, it sucks, yes. But, it makes us better, you know. You and I, we all start building a home for ourselves within us. We realize that people come and leave like guests. So, we need to find our peace and joy in our home, alone. And you know, when I come out of this phase, I delete a few people from my life. And with few people, I start to give so much less of me. And yes, sometimes, you feel so angry because people tend to blame you. They say “you have changed”. But, they don’t realize that they deserve this only. They can’t see that they were always bad to me. They always treated me as an option. And just because I was available always, without any complaints, they got used to getting the best of me even when they were at their worst. So, things do get a bit messy after this phase. But, I let go, then. I don’t think too much. I am like, go, you too, just leave. I am done with you. Goodbye..
I keep on losing people, you know. Because I keep on realizing that I deserve much better. I don’t get desperate for the love and respect that I really deserve. I wait for the right time and the right people. My life is precious. My time is precious. My emotions are precious. I am not going to let someone walk over them just because I was feeling lonely. No, that’s lame. And I am not a loser. I rather put all that time and emotions into going after my goals and dreams. I would rather cry at night than just waste that night, begging someone to make me feel loved. I would rather hug a pillow at night that doesn’t leave me than hold on to a person that threatens to walk away. I would rather talk to myself than talk to someone who won’t even care what I am talking about. And I would rather have no one than to have someone who is only half there. I know it was a lot of bullshit, deep stuff, you know. But, I am done with all the meaningless laughter and lame social media bullshit happy life. I want it real, man. I just want to live the rest of my life with as much truth and reality as possible. I am done with sweet snakes.