Finding Love outside Marriage

Marriage is two hearts that beat as one and two souls that crave to be together… all very poetic and pleasing to the ear!

After the Honeymoon period and a few years of marriage,  the husband begins to stop pretending that his wife is Helen of Troy and begins looking around, albeit discreetly.  The wife is likewise occupied, emptying her spouse’s pocket to line her cupboard, buying expensive clothes, perfumes, accessories; in short, everything to stay attractive and ahead in the race.

Extramarital affairs are as old as marriage itself is.The reasons why a man may have an affair or cheat and the reasons why a woman would have an affair and/or cheat her spouse are very different.

Since time immemorial, we have heard of and witnessed:

  • men going astray,
  • men not staying true to the one they love,
  • men falling for another woman, or
  • men leaving one woman for another.

What makes Men  stray, and cheat?  Is it temptation for the unknown, is it a need for adventure, or is it just that we fall out of love with one person and seek another?  There is no black and white answer to this.   I wish there were one reason, but technology also came in and made it a lot easier to get entangled today.

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One would immediately think sex is the biggest reason for men to cheat, but it turns out that it is not.  However, Issues in a relationship, like non-communication, emotional disconnect, boredom, compatibility issues, turn out to be the bigger reasons.

Marital bliss no more : Men tend to be more emotional than many of us give them credit. Non-communication, or rude behaviour could hurt their feelings as much as a woman’s. Sometimes men go in search of emotional solace in another woman who readily gives them the respect, dignity and tenderness they find no more in their primary relationship.

Fantasies:  To a certain extent, fantasies, fetishes, or plain attraction for another woman could be a reason. While many men are one-woman men, there are also men who are not satisfied with the same woman for a lifetime. Or it could just be the need to have more than one partner and curiosity about the other.

Old flames:  When our past comes back – Old girlfriends through social media and new apps, technology aiding men to hide and have easier flings are also a cause for affairs. Dissatisfaction with the present and a desire to revisit the past just to check, could lead to an affair.

Falling out of love:  Sometimes he simply doesn’t love her anymore. Love is elusive for most people; But for some – They never find love with one person, so they keep looking and seeking newer relationships till they find out that the problem lies with them.

Roving eye:  Some men simply can’t keep from looking at other women. While checking out is a done thing, pursuing, chasing, and conquering are a high for many such men. They are never satisfied with one partner and an affair is a compulsion.

Office affair :  This is common in modern times; usually is from an emotional fallout at home. Such relationships may begin as friendships and lead to something on business trips, with the comfort of being away from home.

No, it’s not at all connected to how you look, it’s the way how you make him feel. And sometimes, it may not be about you at all.  It may just be mid-life and existential crisis the man is going through as an individual.

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Going astray for a woman is much bigger a deal than a man cheating on his wife. A woman is very invested in her relationships. Due to changing times, women have done extremely well for themselves on the economic front, yet she still remains rooted in her belief system and values. So to have flings is one thing, but being in a marriage and seeking pleasure or companionship outside is not something a woman just does for fun. It is  really serious, that she is seeking solace in another person.

Why another man?    Women as creatures are intuitive. When things don’t work out, she knows its coming well in advance. Here are some reasons she could step out:

Technology :    A feeling of being neglected, not cherished and cared for may lead a woman to another man or even a woman.

Can’t forget her past :   Even though she is someone’s wife, she has feelings for her past lover. Though that affair didn’t lead to marriage, she kind of starts leaning backward again, if she gets disillusioned with her marriage. Sometimes women may still be in love with someone else.

Boredom of the drill  :  Wake up, clean potties, cook breakfast, get the home cleaned, get to work, shop for groceries, come back, cook dinner, and then crash. How many women get trapped in the usual day-to-day routine and get bored to death? An interesting new fresher walks in with the possibility of friendship, and an affair follows.

Neglect her and lose her:   Men forget to invest in a wife, it’s usually while she is the girlfriend that it’s all about her.  Once the battle is won, she may start feeling neglected and not cared for enough. Good enough reason to go looking out?

To be seen:   It’s easy for men these days to overlook what they have, with so much distraction everywhere, from magazines to the Internet, to real-life attractions. A woman craves to be seen by her loved one, and she may go where she feels seen.  Men, need to pay attention, now!

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We cannot predict the outcomes for the choices we make in our Life.  And the hardest thing to know is that in life you don’t have a “Ctrl+Z”  to undo, redo what is once done. You may go on to do something again, maybe better, maybe worse, but once it’s done, it stays done and it cannot be reversed…. So Choose Wisely !!!!

Always remember The 3 C s of Life:  Choices, Chances, Changes – You must make a choice to take a chance to change your life

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Core values that can make your marriage work:

  • Being honest with each other
  • Respecting each other’s views
  • Giving each other space within the relationship without being possessive
  • Trusting each other
  • Doing things together – like going on a vacation, spending a night out of home, communicating feelings

What is ironic is that one has to travel the same path of flowers, chocolates, gifts, candle-light dinners and romance to become lucky again !

The Tell Tale Signs:  Women have very strong instincts about their husbands. A straying hubby tries to hide it by turning extra loving towards his wife. A wife found her husband bringing her roses, acting very romantic all of a sudden, out of suspicion she started to probe on him and discovered him with his boss’ daughter, who was much younger than him! She walked out of the marriage, unable to stand the idea of being competed by a younger woman.  Another sign is when he suddenly begins to take special care of his appearance, wearing sexy clothes, spraying on that extra bit of aftershave, striving to lose weight or dyeing his hair. He turns secretive about his whereabouts, switches his mobile off, starts working overtime, and yet, is not in the office when his wife calls! Thus, there are examples galore of people seeking excitement outside marriage.

However, most times, the blame must point within… the excitement and love have gradually died down over the years, and no attempts have been made to revive it.  We must begin to identify the threats to one’s marriage and try to sort it out amicably before it gets out of control.  There are certain values that must not be forgotten, that actually enhance the sacred bond of matrimony.

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