Taking a Hiatus

Greetings from snowy, stormy NJ!

I am taking a hiatus from writing for my blog as school and work has taken over my life for the time being. I am exhausted but will dig deep into my energy reserves and finish strong. Deadlines, assignments and countless meetings have taken over. And yes I know that I need to enjoy life as well and I will…soon.

See you in about a month or so. Don’t forget about me 🙂



Is it okay to finally feel secure?

I have some slight downtime today from work and school and actually have time to write. Same old story – school is busy, work is busier, but overall life is really good.

Things have shifted with new/old guy and me, for the better. The time we spend together never gets stale, he has become a true partner in my life. It is so very good, so real, and authentic. We have always had a pretty unique connection and it is growing more deeper by the day. We hit it off from the first time we met in August 2016. We had incredible sex the first time we met each other (not many people know that about us) and it has not diminished one bit since then. We never had an awkward I need to get to know you first phase, physically or conversationally. Our physical and intellectual attraction is off the charts. What was always lacking, at least for him, was an emotional connection. He was never there 100% with me. He was terrified to take that leap because of his past relationships but he couldn’t let me go either. But now it is there, more than ever. I always believed that if he just opened up, allowed himself to love and be loved, he would have the greatest relationship of his life. And he finally realizes it.

Given our past history I am still hesitant to feel completely secure that he won’t change his mind but the more time we spend together the more that feeling is diminishing. He has given me no reason this time to not believe his words and his actions completely align with his words too. He is protective, caring, thoughtful, silly, serious and for the fitst time, really open. He has never been the overly romantic type (not my style) but he lets me know, more than ever now, that he wants a future, with me.

Those damn pesky past ghosts always seem to haunt me and at times still drive me to overthink, but I am allowing myself to believe that I am exactly where I want to be and with whom I want to be with.

He is unlike anyone I have ever known. I’ve never been one to keep lists of what I want in a partner but if I did he would check off every category. I am not perfect, he is not perfect, we have imperfect pasts but right now our present and our future is perfect, at least for us, and that is all that matters.

If you are going through a tough time in a relationship or experiencing heartbreak or even just fed up with the dating scene I promise you it will get better. If you read my blog you know how much heartbreak I have been through that sometimes I felt like I was doomed to fail at love, continually. But maybe, just maybe, all this pain prepared me for the happiness I feel right now, both in myself and my relationship. Many times I wanted to give up but looking back I am so happy that I didn’t. Life is good, and I know all too well it could change in a heartbeat, but I’ll be damned if I ever let it break me. It’s tried and almost won, but I know I will always be just a little stronger when I need to be.

Wishing everyone a great weekend, xo.

What it takes…

via Daily Prompt: Courage

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable takes courage. Many times we put up so many walls distancing ourselves from the outside out of fear and sometimes self-preservation.

I have never been one to put up walls. I do keep many things private about myself but I have never been one to play games in a relationship. Over the many years I have been in relationships I’ve gotten all types of advice. Many times I am sure the advice I was given probably would have worked in my favor. But I can only be who I am and I am not a game player. I am just who I am. If I like you I will tell you. If I am not happy about something I will tell you as well.

I am very happy and content in my current relationship. If I had followed conventional wisdom I would have just cut my losses after he ended it with me in July and never looked back. No second or third chance. Just walk away and don’t let him know how I really felt or how much I missed him. But I couldn’t do that. It felt so right and something kept drawing us back to each other.

He doesn’t deserve you.

He’s only going to hurt you again.

How can you trust him to not do this again?

You are too forgiving.

Problem is I couldn’t let go. I kept believing in my heart that we did belong together. We have something so unique. I was always very fully aware of the hurt being with him could cause me. But I also knew that I would regret it for a very long time if I didn’t have the courage to open my heart to him again. I have never met anyone like him and he says the same about me. We are very much alike with minor differences. We can be completely silly one moment and then serious the next. We say things at the same time and we just enjoy being together. After all the time we have spent together it doesn’t get stale. I can’t wait to see him and he me.

I want to live with you. I hate the thought of not seeing you wake up next to me.

I wish you didn’t have to go home.

I’m sorry it took me so long to get here but I needed to rid myself of my past so I can be present.

It is so different this time around. He is still the same guy that I fell for, but he is different with me. In a way that I had only hoped he would be. Maybe he did need this time to sort everything out and realize that he wanted to be with me. It was a long and difficult and very painful road to get where we are – for me and in a way, him too. But I know in my heart it is worth it. No matter how much I tried to fool myself that I was over him, that I would be happy with someone else too, I just couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. And I finally believe now that he feels the same.

It took us a long time to get where we are. We’ve both experienced immense heartbreak and were losers at the game of love. I cannot predict how this will all end but I can appreciate the here and now. And I am happy that I never put up those walls that would have shut him out for good. I followed my heart and I trusted the process even when I didn’t believe it would happen. I have never met anyone like him. I cherish every conversation, every laugh, every hug, every smile, every touch, every memory we make. Life is too short to play games, to hate someone, to live with regrets.

Things may not always go as planned. The future can’t be predicted, but the present can be cherished and the past can be your lesson. Not everyone deserves a chance and not everyone in my life gets one. But I had to take this chance and I had to follow my heart, no matter what anyone thinks, because in the end it is my life, my happiness, my mistakes and my lessons to learn.

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

A Major Turn of Events

I haven’t had much time to write due to my time sucking classes and work priorities and overall exhaustion from it all. But hey, 12 more weeks til school ends!

Most days I feel like I am running on empty. It’s been harder to see friends when my whole week is spent trying to get through two 15 hour days and then one day in between to try to catch my breath. Weekends are spent doing assignments and catching up on work that needs to get done. Most of the time I don’t think my co-workers have any idea how much work I do on the weekends, but my supervisor does and that is what matters. It needs to get done and when you are stuck in meetings all week , it is nearly impossible to get a moment to get work done. But as soon as the weather gets warmer and school is over (beginning of May) I plan on taking lots of my saved up vacation time and just relaxing and reconnecting with friends and enjoying life.

As for my love life it has taken a major turn of events. New/old guy came into my life, then left it briefly, then back in full force, then a little thinking time apart and now we are back and better than ever. He asked me if I would move in with him early summer when my lease is up and after many deep and thought provoking conversations I have decided that I am ready to take that next step. I’m ready,  he is ready and we are ready. Everything with us has shifted for the better. It has been a rollercoaster of mostly ups and some very tough downs but I truly feel that I am where I am meant to be and he feels the same. We have known each other since August 2016 and honestly we spend so much time at each others places it makes sense to just take this step. It will make my commute easier since he lives closer to my job and most of all it gives us time together too which many days is so hard to do because of our work and school commitments.

I have never met anyone like him, sometimes it is like looking into a mirror. We are scarily alike, work in the same profession (a major plus), like so many of the same things and have differences that don’t break us. We want to travel together. In all the time I have spent with him and it has been a lot, we never lack for conversation, laughter and well, you know – major attraction. And yes, I have lived with a man before (more than one but not at the same time 🙂 ) so this isn’t my first time at this rodeo.

Sometimes the past haunts you so bad you need time to purge it to move forward. There is no excuse for the heartbreak he put me through, but there is understanding and honestly if I didn’t give it a chance I know I would be missing out on what may be one of the greatest relationships of my life. I don’t expect anyone to understand my choices when it comes to him. I don’t write about every conversation we have had or every experience, nor do I share my entire life with him so choosing this path with him again was not a spur of the moment decision or something I am doing out of fear of loneliness. I am very well aware of the hurt but judgement is easy on the outside looking in, I understand that – but I am in the one in and it is where I want to be. I have always wanted him, it just took him some time to figure out where he knew he wanted to be. And as hard as that was I am happy he took that time – he is ready.

Things feel different, better. I am happy, I am content and I am at peace. And I hope I haven’t jinxed it by talking about it, I am very superstitious that way.

Now if only work and school would calm down a little.

Bring on 2018

Happy New Year and Happy 2018!

Don’t make resolutions just resolve to make every day count.

Xoxo ~ Karen