Some important ifs of marriage

Some important ifs of marriage

  1. If you take your spouse for granted,
  2. If you get angry with your spouse for minute things,
  3. If you are always finding something wrong in the things your spouse does,
  4. If you blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong;
  5. If you are always criticizing your spouse,
  6. If you find it hard to appreciate the many good things your spouse does to you daily,
  7. If you never say ” I am sorry” when you hurt your spouse,
  8. If you are extravagant,
  9. If you do not care how your spouse feels,
  10. If you do not respect your spouse,
  11. If you talk carelessly to your spouse, especially using hurting words,
  12. If you do not love your spouse,
  13. If you do not show concern about the welfare of your spouse,

You can trust that your marriage will face difficulties.

For your marriage to be happy, look at these points and see what you can do about them.

Never forget that success in marriage does not come on its own. It is the result of hard work; doing the things that must be done, and avoiding the things that should not be done.

Know the things that should be done and do them.

Know the things that should not be done and avoid them.

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How romantic are you?

What do you know about romance in marriage?

How romantic are you?

People, generally, have a very wrong understanding of the word romance or being a romantic person. Being romantic is not a bad thing. If you are married and are not romantic, I can bet you that your marriage will be dull. Your spouse will not be excited about you because nothing in you will excite him/her. You will enjoy a romantic spouse more than a non romantic one.

If you see a dull marriage or a marriage that is experiencing problems, don’t rush to conclude that it is because the spouses don’t love each other. It may rather be that the spouses are not romantic and so there is no romance in their marriage.

The truth is many people don’t know how to bring romance into their marriage.

At times, one spouse will make an effort to bring in romance, but the other one will not respond.

Love and romance make marriage very exciting.

Love and romance can make you look like perfect partners.

Love and romance will make you an admirable couple.

If you compete with your spouse instead of cooperating, you will find it hard to have romance in your marriage.

Modern communication technology has made romance very easy to those who know how to take advantage of it.

Romance comes naturally to some people but not to all.

Many people are not ready to put in the time and effort to have romance in their marriage.

We need to learn to have romance in our marriage.

Remember that romance merely means the way you express your love for your spouse.

It is necessary because it keeps your love alive, fresh and exciting.

To enhance romance and intimacy, someone has come up with a plan he calls a passion plan.

The plan says you should spend:

  1. 15 seconds a day
  2. 15 minutes, 5 days a week
  3. 1.5 hours a week
  4. Another 1.5 hrs. a week.

He explains that you kiss your spouse at least for 15 seconds daily, take 15 minutes at least 5 days a week to connect and talk with your spouse.

Spend quality time with your spouse for st least 1.5 hours a week.

Have sexual intimacy of 1.5 hours a week.

I hope you find time to follow this passion plan. It is worth while.

We are not done with this topic. More is ahead.

13 ways to put romance in your marriage

At the start of most marriages, there is a lot of excitement. Nothing else matters to the couple but the two of them.

Then as time goes on, as they live together, things gradually change; differences start to surface; excitement starts to fade, the strong love that burned in their hearts starts to disappear.

Nobody wants their marriage to go this way. Everybody wants passion. Everybody wants their relationship to be hot and arousing.

What makes a relationship hot and arousing?

It is romance.

What is romance?

Romance is the way you and your spouse express your love for each other.

What does romance do to your marriage?

Romance keeps your love alive, fresh and exciting.

How do you get romance in your marriage?

I will give you thirteen ways to put romance in your marriage or to bring it back if it has disappeared.

If they help you, please, share.

Is the fire of love in your marriage still burning?

Dearest friend, if you are married, this post is specifically for you. However, if you are not married, don’t stop reading. It will still be very useful to you on two counts:

  1. It will help you tomorrow if you become married.
  2. You can use it to help someone who is married and whose marriage has lost steam.

We are talking here about rekindling steam in your marriage; reigniting romance in your marriage; refueling the fire of love to keep burning in your marriage. I have two questions for you:

  1. How hot is the fire of love in your relationship?
  2. At this moment, are you stronger or weaker in your marital love?

Marriage is a relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, agreements and disagreements, good days and bad days.

When two people from different backgrounds come together as husband and wife, no one can expect them to have the same ideas, the same feelings and the same expectations. Don’t expect them to think and act the same way. There will always be differences.

Some differences may affect your marriage in a big way. Others may affect it in a small way.

Some marriages have big problems which are hard to solve. Others have small problems which may just make the marriage stale or no longer interesting. In which case, the excitement in it has burnt out.

Perhaps, the excitement that was very strong in your marriage at the start has disappeared or has faded.

If that is the case, you have to bring it back. If you are no longer having the fun that you used to have, bring it back. Your marriage needs fun. In fact, your marriage should be fun. Marriage is meant to be fun; to be enjoyed.

Marriage is not supposed to bring you misery; to make you unhappy. You got married to be happy.

However, don’t expect happiness to come on its own just because you are married. It will not come unless you work for it. Here are a few realities about marriage to take note of:

  1. You have to work every day for happiness to be in your marriage.
  2. It’s the same like you have to work everyday to succeed in your marriage.
  3. If you stop working for success, success will turn its back on you and failure will invade you.
  4. If you stop working for happiness in your marriage, happiness will turn its back on you and sadness will take over control.
  5. In life, success and happiness behave like a woman.
  6. You have to woo a woman before you win her.
  7. You must woo success and happiness, and actually run after it before you get it.
  8. Failure, on the other hand, doesn’t wait to be invited. It comes on its own except you stop it with firmness.

If the thrill that you had in you marriage just when you got married has disappeared, make sure you bring it back.

In the next series of posts on marriage, I would like that together we see how we can rekindle romance in our marriage. How can we bring back that original joy that we had? How can we make our love burn again like fire?

Join me in the next posts on marriage. And if you like what you read here, do well to share the link. Thanks!

Know your spouse

Know your spouse;
Know your husband;
Know your wife;
If you don’t know your wife,
How can you love her?
If you don’t understand your wife,
How can you both get on well?
Know your spouse,
That is the doorway to love.

Know your spouse,
Know your husband;
Know your wife;
If you don’t know your husband,
How can you love him?
If you don’t understand him,
How can you both get on well?
Know your spouse,
That is the doorway to love.

Are you sure you know your spouse?

I like to talk about marriage. I like to see couples living happily.

How well or how deeply do you know your spouse? You may think you know your spouse when your knowledge is only superficial. Your knowledge of your spouse is like scratching at the surface as fowls do to search the ground for worms. They don’t dig deep.i

To make a comparison with fishing, I can say perhaps you have not dipped your net deep like the fishermen in the Bible to know and understand your spouse. Will it be surprising if at the end of the day, your net is empty?

There are tools that couples use to know themselves better, understand each other better, and relate better, thus succeeding in marriage.

Anyone who follows my writings on marriage closely will recall that once I posted something on a Marriage Encounter Week End.

Many people do not know about Marriage Encounter Week ends; and when they hear about it for the first time, one question which usually comes to their minds: who or what does one encounter at the week end?

That was the same question I asked before I became encountered.

This question was answered during the weekend. I got to understand the encounter concept and found it so beautiful.

Let me answer this question for you. Who or what do you encounter when you go for a Marriage Encounter Week End?

At a Marriage Encounter Week end, the first person you encounter is yourself.

If you have never done a week end, then most probably you have never really encountered yourself.

If you have never encountered yourself, it means you do not really know yourself. In other words, you have never really gotten in touch with your feelings.

And if you are not in touch with your feelings, it means you are living superficially without knowing your own self; without knowing why you feel the way you feel about certain situations, and act the way you act.

We, humans need to know ourselves and accept who we are. This starts with knowing who we are.

We are a whole bunch of things determined by our physical constitution, our sex, education, background, which we also call filters, our environment etc.

During a Marriage Encounter Week End, we are helped to know who we are. This includes knowing our strengths and weaknesses, our doubts, fears, worries etc.

When we know all these, that knowledge helps us in our dealings with others.

Hence, the first person you encounter during an Original Week End is yourself.

The next person you encounter is your spouse.

As husband and wife, you know yourselves better when you encounter each other. You know your spouse’s likes and dislikes, personality style, and what makes your spouse react in a certain way to certain situations.

When you know all this, you understand your spouse better. You understand that your spouse’s reaction may be the result of your spouse’s filters or personality style.

This is very precious knowledge that you will hardly get from marriage doctrine.

You can see that the word encounter should not scare anybody. It is not a violent encounter as a physical confrontation in a fight or in a football match where physical force is required. It is a gradual, loving, pleasurable discovery of who we are, and who our spouse is.

The third person you encounter at a week end is Jesus Christ. You come face to face with Jesus Christ, and understand the role that he has to play in your life firstly as and individual, and secondly as a couple.

You also encounter the sacrament of matrimony. You understand the real meaning of the sacrament of Matrimony.

What does it mean when you get married in Church? It means Christ is in that relationship. It means Christ is available at all times to help you in your relationship. It means Christ is journeying with you as a couple. You are not just husband and wife but husband, wife and Christ. You are three in one. This is so good. If there is a problem, you don’t have to try to handle it with your spouse alone. All three of you have to sit down together and look at it. You have to run to Christ every now and then, in fact, permanently.

During the week end you are taught a technique to get Christ ever present in your relationship so that even the children you give birth to are rooted in Christ.

From this you can draw a conclusion about why some children are wayward. Sometimes, it starts right at conception. The parents do not put Christ at the center at the time they are looking for a baby.

We are supposed to decide with Christ through prayer that we want a baby; that it is time to have a baby. Then we go looking for the baby with him through prayer. We do not go on our own.

If we bring Christ in at the very beginning, the child we get will grow up to know Christ and bear the light of Christ.

If some children go on to become priests, or religious, it is because their parents got Christ fully involved in the decision to bring them into the world, and continued to journey with Christ to bring them up. It is usually not by accident. Of course, some do encounter Christ late but most are people whose parents encountered Christ and helped their children early enough to encounter Christ as well.

Another level of encounter during the week end is for priests and religious who attend the weekend.

A lot of people often wonder what this category of people go to a week end for. Let us not forget that Priests and religious are also married to the greatest spouse, Jesus Christ. During the weekend, they first Encounter their self and then encounter Jesus Christ, their own spouse. If there are two priests at the weekend, they Encounter each other. This means they try to understand each other. Priests and religious live in communities and it is not an easy thing. If you Encounter yourself and know what motivates your behaviour and other priests’ behavior, it will be easier to live together.

The priesthood can also be very lonely. But encountered priests are not lonely because they have encountered couples to journey with. They understand what motivates certain behaviours and share the same values like encountered couples and have the tools to maintain healthy relationships with couples. This does not say that there is perfection. Not at all! There is room for human weakness. The bottom line is encountered priests and religious do very well with encountered couples.

In Marriage Encounter, you Encounter yourself, your spouse and Jesus Christ. Priests encounter themselves, fellow Priests and their spouse Jesus Christ; and the Christians they are called upon to serve.

Religious Encounter themselves, their fellow religious, (male/male; female/female).

The goal of a M.E. Week End is to make you know yourself, know your spouse and know Jesus Christ. This enhances love, understanding, tolerance, and working together for success in marriage and in their lives.

15 reasons many marriages fail

You may be surprised to hear that many marriages fail. That is true. Many marriages fail.

Do you know why?

Let me give you 15 reasons why many marriages fail:

  1. Rushing into marriage. Many young people rush into marriage when they do not know each other.
  2. Lack of knowledge of what marriage means: they do not know that in marriage there is permanence and commitment.
  3. Different cultural backgrounds: Marrying someone from a different background can lead to failure.
  4. Different church: Marrying someone from a different church.
  5. Financial problems: finances are a great source of problems between couples.
  6. Having no children: this causes problems in marriages.
  7. Violence
  8. Having a hidden agenda.
  9. Laziness
  10. Infidelity
  11. Divorce mentality.
  12. Irresponsible attitude.
  13. Coming from a broken home.
  14. Wanting an easy life.
  15. Selfishness

Do you know another reason why marriages fail? Please, share. Sharing is loving.

Let’s look into the issue of couples who always quarrel

How is your relationship with your spouse at this moment?

Is it excellent? Cordial? Manageable? Or hostile?

There are couples whose relationship at this moment is very good. They are on very good terms. Current is flowing between them.

There are others whose relationship is at its lowest ebb. They don’t want to catch each other with the eyes. They are not on good terms.

Do you know what can happen when a man and his wife are not on good terms?

A lot can go wrong.

Much has gone wrong for many couples for this reason.

Many families have experienced untold suffering just because husband and wife were not getting on well.

Many people leave their homes in the morning feeling sad; carrying long faces, unable to smile.

They stay in that mood all day at work, and go back home in the evening with the same low spirits.

Go to investigate and you will discover that they, husband and husband, were at loggerheads before one or both of them left the house.

It may simply be that food money was not given. It may be there was a careless exchange of bitter words. It could be some external influence.

It is very easy for someone to run into an accident just because the person left the house quarreling with the spouse.

If you are angry when you drive it can be risky. You can easily hit somebody or another vehicle hits you; or you run into a ditch.

When couples quarrel, they must quickly get over it. No one says couples can go completely without quarrelling, but don’t quarrel and let it go for too long.

There are many men who have left home and gone drinking carelessly because they quarrelled with their wife and did not reconcile.

Look at the dangers to which he is exposed: he is exposed to being poisoned; he can drink and get drunk and run into one kind of trouble or another; he can be robbed, beaten and even killed, etc,.

These are things that have happened. It is very dangerous when a man and his wife are always quarreling. Their lives are not safe.

A lot of spouses fall prey to temptation to cheat on the other when they are always on bad terms.

When some people see you looking sad , they like to take advantage. Some will give you misleading advice which will worsen matters for you.

You may find your husband’s friend who is very friendly and sympathetic, but the next minute, he will be wanting to date you.

Unfortunate! Instead of helping you in trouble, he wants to sink you further into the sea.

Women are no better. A woman will know that you have problems with your spouse and pretend to be showing sympathy. The next minute, she will invite you home. Soon, she will want you to leave your wife and marry her.

A couple that is always at loggerheads, hardly progresses as they should. Frequent quarrels retard progress.

How can they progress when each person will not be ready to sit down and discuss with the other? Sitting and planning together requires that the couple understands each other; that they work in harmony; in synergy. And working in synergy as couple generates tremendous power.

You must avoid frequent quarrels with your spouse. If you quarrel often, one person or both of you could die easily as a result.

It is true that human beings are not God, and not even angels or saints. You must from time to time have some misunderstanding; but quickly resolve the differences. Do not let it go on for ever. Do not go to bed with an unresolved quarrel with your spouse.

Bear in mind that couples that are always at loggerheads are very likely to end up in tears

Marital violence is an enemy to marriage

When I was growing up, I used to see couples exchanging blows. That did not go down well with me.

I don’t like when husband and wife fight. But many do.

That is what we call domestic violence. You can also call it marital violence.

Do you know couples who fight?

Tell me what you feel about them.

Fighting destroys the joy of marriage.

You didn’t marry each other to be fighting. Or is that part of your agenda as a couple?

If you love your spouse, and your spouse loves you, don’t fight. If you have been fighting. Please, stop it.

It is shameful for a couple to fight. I think it is also a disgrace.

Imagine a man and his wife fighting!

It is worse when husband and wife make a public show of their physical battles ; which is exactly what many couples do.

I know you may feel bad that I am saying this particularly if you are guilty of fighting with your spouse.

But mind you that my intention is not to humiliate or hurt anybody. It is to encourage all of us to desist from action that can be ruinous to our marriage and family.

Do you know?

Truth be spoken. Fighting is not for couples who have educated minds.

Marital fighting, or domestic violence or marital violence, whichever you choose to call it, is not to be encouraged. It can destroy your marriage before you blink.

And often, people make one big mistake. They think that only wives suffer from domestic violence. That is not true. Men are also victims of domestic violence.

That is not even the issue. The issue is domestic violence is a dirty game. Domestic violence is evil. Domestic violence destroys marriage.

Couples should stay off domestic violence. They should not promote domestic violence.

If you have been promoting domestic violence in your home, I hope you grow up and stop it.

A respectable man and a respectable woman should not be seen or known to be exchanging blows or even just words or rubbing their backs in mud as two angry kids.

Verbal violence

I hope no one goes away from here thinking that domestic or marital violence is limited to fighting.

There is verbal domestic violence as well. When you speak aggressively to your spouse, that is violence.

Threatening your spouse, using insulting or abusive language. In short, when tempers flare up and there is an exchange of words, that is violence.

Other forms of violence

There are many other forms that we don’t need to go into details here. But we can mention silence, ignoring your spouse, refusing to give money, locking your spouse out of the room etc.

Children are also victims

To come back to the victims, at times, the children sufferer more than their parents. And the negative impact may remain with them for many years. It should not surprise you if such children grow up to be violent to their own spouses.

Exchanging words and fighting at home is a very bad example that some parents teach their children.

(To be continued)

A great gift from God to humanity through the Church to enrich marriage

If you have not tasted the gift about which I talk here, you may wonder what I will be talking about in this post.

I want to talk about one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity I have come across.

I think we cannot thank God enough for this awesome gift.

Let me explain:

In the year 2005, my spouse and I spent a week end in March in a pastoral Center alongside other couples. It had been hard for me though, to be persuaded to accept the invitation. I didn’t see what good could come out of it because it was about helping us to succeed in our marriage. I had been educating people quite a good deal on marriage on radio as a broadcaster, having read many books on the subject. Hence, in my shower of pride, I considered myself an expert on marriage and should have been invited to teach rather than to learn. Invitations had been served to me for a little more than five years and I started considering anyone who made mention of it a nuisance.

It so happened that in that year 2005, we moved into a new home and met with new neighbours who also newly moved in.

One evening, they visited us as a couple to tender to us an invitation. They were kind and friendly and we could see their desire to get a “yes” from us.

To please our new neighbours and strengthen our already so good relationship, we conceded.

That week end turned out to be an amazing blessing to us. We had had a calm and peaceful marriage quite, but a full taste of marriage came only during that week end. It was a transforming experience. Humility supplanted pride in me.

Before the week end was over, I felt so motivated that it was like I should go to town and invite every couple to attend the next week end.

And in fact, together with the other couples and other couples who had had the experience before us, we got to the field and invited couples. The next week end saw an unprecedented number of couples in attendance. Hence, it was named the Fertility Batch. Ours was named The Triumphant Batch, like the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem.

That week end, I should have told you, was organized by the worldwide marriage movement called Marriage Encounter.

I consider this movement, whose full name is Worldwide Marriage Encounter Movement, as one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity through the Church.

God who instituted marriage has not left humanity in darkness about how to live this institution.

In the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament. And Marriage Encounter gives all the tools to make it a joy.

Although I had been very interested in sharing ideas to assist couples to be successful in marriage, my interest skyrocketed after my weekend. In Marriage Encounter jargon, that first weekend is called a Marriage Encounter Original Week End.

If you have not had the opportunity to enjoy the unique experience of a Marriage Encounter Week End, scout for where it may be organized in your locality and attend. Later you can thank me.

If you are an encountered person reading this (anyone who has attended a week end is said to be encountered), you may like to share how you felt at the end of the week end.

How has it impacted your marriage?

What do you say to those who have not attended the weekend?

It is pleasing to note that Worldwide Marriage Encounter Week ends are not reserved for Catholics. There is no religious discrimination. Whatever your religion , you will find the tools and tips beneficial to you.

And it is not for married couples only. Bishops Priests, pastors and religious also attend.

You know marriage is the foundation on which society is built. A good world can only come if we build good marriages that will create good families and good communities.

Let us work together to share the tools that make marriage a joy to all couples in the world.