Relationship dynamics are much more vital than these traditional pre-defined norms. As I said every couple knows their expectations, strengths and weaknesses and accordingly they find out what works best for them. I think, for couples today, the key is establishing an equal partnership which includes everything being shared, be it chores, emotional support or finances. To read more please click here
If there were a law today dissolving all marriages and you were given the freedom to start life afresh, what would you do? See if you can answer these questions:
1. Would you like to marry the same husband or wife that you now have?
2. Would you go in for someone else?
3. Are you satisfied with your spouse?
4. Is your marriage a happy one?
5. Are you proud of your spouse and thankful to God for him or her?
6. Do you think your spouse would choose you again?
7. Is your spouse happy with you?
8. Does your spouse enjoy living with you?
9. Does your spouse see you as a good partner in marriage?
Undoubtedly, if given the opportunity to start life anew, there are many people who would go in for the same spouse. This means they are happy in their spousal relationship. There are men who would fight fiercely if someone threatened to take away their wife. Also, there are women who would fight tooth-and-nail to keep their husband. They love the man and are ready to die for him.
Yet, there are others who would not look at their present spouse if given a chance to start life afresh. They would immediately jump to someone else. This is because although they are husband and wife, they are husband and wife only in name. They are just two people living together. There is no love binding them. What binds them is nothing but their marriage certificate. This is unfortunate and also strange because they loved themselves passionately at the start and were ready to die for each other.
“Then,” you may ask, “What went wrong? Why do they not want to see each other again? Why would they be against each other and live more or less like enemies in the same house?”
Many marriages are like this. It will start off very well, but soon it will be on the rocks. Often, you find a boy and a girl very anxious to become married to each other, but no sooner are they married than they are at loggerheads, no longer wanting to see each other. This is curious. Why would a boy and a girl be dying for each other, swearing they would die if they do not get married to each other, but when they finally do, it does not take long before problems begin to rock their relationship? If it is not the boy who threatens to throw out the girl’s things so that she may go, it is the girl who threatens to park and leave. Questions keep coming up:
Why are many marriages full of problems and devoid of happiness?
Why is it that a great many couples do not live in peace?
Why are most couples most of the times opposed to each other?
Why do many couples behave as if they hated each other?
Instead of being havens of peace and harmony, many homes are fertile ground for blame, anger, and quarrels. They are boxing rings where husband and wife exchange hard blows on a regular basis.
It is common to hear people describing marriage as a hell, swearing they would never marry? Can marriage be such a burden or hell that some people hate it so much?
Marriage is not supposed to be a burden nor a hell. But some people make it both a burden and a hell. They make it hateful; something to escape from. Marriages of low quality abound while happy marriages are rare.
The institution of marriage is truly under great pressure today. We are told that in most countries of the world, 50% of marriages end in separation and divorce. Divorce is expected to reach 70% before long. Must that be so? Is there nothing we can do to change the trend? The answer is there is much we can all do to help couples make their marriages successful.
There is good reason for this. When marriage is a hell, the home becomes unlivable for the family. Husband and wife begin to wonder why they married each other at all. They begin to regret and the purpose of marriage is defeated.
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed. It is meant to be fun. In fact, it is supposed to be a heaven on earth. The one who instituted marriage meant it to be so. We are the ones who do not know how to make it so. Yet, the rules are very clearly spelled out. All we need is to respect them and our marriage will be as enjoyable as we like it to be.
No one will do it for us. We must do it ourselves. We do not have to wait for or expect any other person to do it for us. Our spouse will not do it alone neither can we do it alone. It takes both husband and wife, working together, to do it.
In fact, if our marriage is not making us very happy, then it is not doing for us what it is meant to do. Marriage is meant to make us very happy. It is our duty to make it do for us what it is meant to do.
There are many things we do that make marriage not to be enjoyable. One of them is taking the marriage lightly. Marriage, being a lasting union between two people, it needs to be taken seriously. We also need to work hard and sacrifice to make it succeed. We need a number of tools to make it a happy experience. Unfortunately, many people go into marriage thinking it should automatically succeed; that when a boy and a girl get married they should automatically be happy and live successfully. This is not true.
Like every other thing, we manage our marriage well only if we have learned how to do it. Nobody can be a good builder if he has not learned how to build. Who can do good carpentry, teaching, tailoring or whatever without having been trained? If we want to do anything well, we must take time and learn how to do it. Marriage is no exception. Hence, it is important for us to learn how to make our marriage successful and happy.
There is the know-how of marriage which if learned and applied, will make the said marriage happy and successful; full of fun and joy. This is what God meant marriage to be. God did not intend that marriage should be a cause of tears, suffering and sorrow. There are tools to enable you and your spouse to show more love to each other and to successfully handle the differences that come up between you. If you learn these tools and use them to the best of your ability, you will see a wonderful transformation in your marriage.
This does not mean that your marriage shall be problem-free. There is no marriage that is problem-free. We have to learn how to manage the problems that come up. If we do not manage them well, they will destroy our marriage.
It is a good thing for husband and wife to both learn what it takes to make their marriage happy. If only one person is doing the right thing, it will not help much because unless the other person co-operates much cannot be done. It takes two fingers to remove meat from a pot. Therefore, both of you should acquire the tools together and apply them together.
It may be difficult if your spouse is among those people who think that they know all that it takes to make their marriage happy and have nothing to learn from whosoever. Yet, their marriage is not moving, and they are not having it easy. Such people need help.
That pride does not pay holds true for marriage as it does for other areas of life. We learn every day. The wise person is humble enough to learn from everyone he or she comes across. It is foolish to think that you already know it all and have nothing to learn from anyone else. Be humble; and willing to learn. There is much that you stand to gain when you are humble and open to learning.
To conclude, In fact, there is nothing as enjoyable as a happy marriage. When your marriage is happy, many things go well for you.
The title of this post implies that it is not for everybody only for those whose marriages have failed. Of course, if your marriage is waxing strong or you are not married it will still be necessary for you to read it. It could help when dark moments of your marriage come up.
To go straight to the point, if your marriage has failed, it is not your fault. It is not the fault of your spouse either. Let no one put the blame on your door steps or the door steps of your spouse.
I know that when a marriage fails people rush to apportion blame. While some put the blame on the woman, others put it on the man. It all depends on which angle the individual is looking at it from.
I do apportion blame too for all the failed marriages; but my blame goes neither to the man nor to the woman. I know your mind may now be going to the parents of the man or woman. That is not it with me.
My blame goes to the entire society. We have not put in place enough opportunities for young people to get ready for marriage before they get into it. We have not provided for enough training on how to know someone can live happily with us to the end before we marry the person. We have not provided for young people to be equipped with sufficient tools for success in marriage.
Schools do not lay enough emphasis on marriage which is most important to every young person who wishes to form a family and live happily with it. What is the exam that is set on marriage and which certificate is given? We spend years teaching people math, English, history. They are important but which is more important speaking good English or succeeding in marriage? Or knowing the history of Greece?
We collectively create a society that is doomed to have problems and we turn around and apportion blame here and there for the problems that we face. I challenge all of us to fight for marriage to be a subject in all schools in the world. Or if you think it shouldn’t, tell me why it shouldn’t.
To those whose marriages have failed, I repeat, you are not to blame. You are not bad as your spouse may think or as those around you may think. You just did not have the tools to make that marriage succeed; and it was not your fault. You were not given those tools. That was not your fault. That was not the fault of your parents. That was the fault of the school system.
Hence, I see it as a collective fault of the society, not just educationists, but the whole society because over the centuries it has not been corrected. Let us correct it now and stop making people suffer in their marital homes and breaking up families and destroying the society.
I am open to different views. These are my views.
Was leaving a mistake?
If it wasn’t a mistake?
Was staying away from the children a mistake?
If you bumped into them among the crowd by mistake?
Would you recognise their pain by mistake?
Perchance would the shrug of your shoulders catch their tear by mistake?
Would your arms open up to wrap in one hug all they missed by mistake?
Perchance is your heart still hardened by fear, guilt and pride of no mistake?
When you lay down does your sleep clock tick the cruelty they endured by mistake?
When do you acknowledge it takes two to make it right and two to make a mistake?
My Elevenses of Pasta Bake, Grilled Courgette and Sweetcorn was enjoyed by all but I, it just tasted bland.
Don’t leave me Mom
Do you want to die
Because your love has left you?
Mine left me long ago;
But I have not died;
At the time it happened,
I thought I would die;
It was as if the world would end;
It weighed down on me
Like a boulder on my shoulders;
A stream of tears flowed from my eyes
Both swollen and red;
Yet,here I am today waxing strong;
And stronger than I have ever been;
I have not died;
I will not die
Because my sweetheart has left me;
If the apple of your eye leaves you,
Or has left you,
Life must not come to an end;
On the contrary,
Start life anew;
When Landro told me killing a cockroach led to his divorce with his wife, I hardly believed him; but it turned out to be true. I asked him to tell me what actually happened. Listen to him:
“I killed a cockroach and it earned me a divorce. My spouse didn’t want to see a cockroach killed especially when someone crushed it with the foot. She always told me the sound it made and the white liquid that came out was too much for her. I never took her serious and never spared any opportunity to kill a cockroach in a way that it would make the loudest noise and eject all the white liquid it was carrying in its body.
‘Then came a bad day. I did just what I had done hundreds of times caring little about how she felt. But this time was different from all the other times. The difference was she refused to take it. As soon as I did it, she gave me a punch on the jaw and before I realized what was going on a second and a third came. Unable to take it, I punched back. We had a good fight. It was after that fight that she decided our romance had come to an end.
‘At first I thought it was only anger; and that the incident would soon be nothing but history. It was not. It grew bigger and bigger and ended in divorce after thirty-six years in marriage.
‘I was at fault. I pleaded with her to forgive me. She was adamant. She said enough was enough; that she had swallowed it for thirty six years and could no longer do.
Our two children were traumatized; but there was nothing they could do. There was nothing anybody could do. Her decision was final. It’s two year since it happened.”
It is said that children suffer a great deal when the marriage of their parents is a bad one; when they are having squabbles all the times. Things are worse when they divorce. Who can react to this? Let’s chat!
I read a very thrilling story of how Admira (not her real name) was in love with (Gallant), not his real name. Both were head over heels in love. Then the devil landed from nowhere and separated them. Admira turned her back on Gallant and embraced Charming (not his real name).
The two were again head over heels in love; and it did not take them long to get married. Their ,marriage was great. They had two kids. Then it stopped functioning. They came to the end of the road.
By some divine providence, Admira met Gallant again and their relationship resumed. It did not take long for them to become husband and wife. It’s many years already. They are still husband and wife; and never has a couple been happier. They believe they came into this world for each other.
How do you find this? There are many things that happen in this world that are hard to understand. Can we chat on this?