Are you sure you know your spouse?

I like to talk about marriage. I like to see couples living happily.

How well or how deeply do you know your spouse? You may think you know your spouse when your knowledge is only superficial. Your knowledge of your spouse is like scratching at the surface as fowls do to search the ground for worms. They don’t dig deep.i

To make a comparison with fishing, I can say perhaps you have not dipped your net deep like the fishermen in the Bible to know and understand your spouse. Will it be surprising if at the end of the day, your net is empty?

There are tools that couples use to know themselves better, understand each other better, and relate better, thus succeeding in marriage.

Anyone who follows my writings on marriage closely will recall that once I posted something on a Marriage Encounter Week End.

Many people do not know about Marriage Encounter Week ends; and when they hear about it for the first time, one question which usually comes to their minds: who or what does one encounter at the week end?

That was the same question I asked before I became encountered.

This question was answered during the weekend. I got to understand the encounter concept and found it so beautiful.

Let me answer this question for you. Who or what do you encounter when you go for a Marriage Encounter Week End?

At a Marriage Encounter Week end, the first person you encounter is yourself.

If you have never done a week end, then most probably you have never really encountered yourself.

If you have never encountered yourself, it means you do not really know yourself. In other words, you have never really gotten in touch with your feelings.

And if you are not in touch with your feelings, it means you are living superficially without knowing your own self; without knowing why you feel the way you feel about certain situations, and act the way you act.

We, humans need to know ourselves and accept who we are. This starts with knowing who we are.

We are a whole bunch of things determined by our physical constitution, our sex, education, background, which we also call filters, our environment etc.

During a Marriage Encounter Week End, we are helped to know who we are. This includes knowing our strengths and weaknesses, our doubts, fears, worries etc.

When we know all these, that knowledge helps us in our dealings with others.

Hence, the first person you encounter during an Original Week End is yourself.

The next person you encounter is your spouse.

As husband and wife, you know yourselves better when you encounter each other. You know your spouse’s likes and dislikes, personality style, and what makes your spouse react in a certain way to certain situations.

When you know all this, you understand your spouse better. You understand that your spouse’s reaction may be the result of your spouse’s filters or personality style.

This is very precious knowledge that you will hardly get from marriage doctrine.

You can see that the word encounter should not scare anybody. It is not a violent encounter as a physical confrontation in a fight or in a football match where physical force is required. It is a gradual, loving, pleasurable discovery of who we are, and who our spouse is.

The third person you encounter at a week end is Jesus Christ. You come face to face with Jesus Christ, and understand the role that he has to play in your life firstly as and individual, and secondly as a couple.

You also encounter the sacrament of matrimony. You understand the real meaning of the sacrament of Matrimony.

What does it mean when you get married in Church? It means Christ is in that relationship. It means Christ is available at all times to help you in your relationship. It means Christ is journeying with you as a couple. You are not just husband and wife but husband, wife and Christ. You are three in one. This is so good. If there is a problem, you don’t have to try to handle it with your spouse alone. All three of you have to sit down together and look at it. You have to run to Christ every now and then, in fact, permanently.

During the week end you are taught a technique to get Christ ever present in your relationship so that even the children you give birth to are rooted in Christ.

From this you can draw a conclusion about why some children are wayward. Sometimes, it starts right at conception. The parents do not put Christ at the center at the time they are looking for a baby.

We are supposed to decide with Christ through prayer that we want a baby; that it is time to have a baby. Then we go looking for the baby with him through prayer. We do not go on our own.

If we bring Christ in at the very beginning, the child we get will grow up to know Christ and bear the light of Christ.

If some children go on to become priests, or religious, it is because their parents got Christ fully involved in the decision to bring them into the world, and continued to journey with Christ to bring them up. It is usually not by accident. Of course, some do encounter Christ late but most are people whose parents encountered Christ and helped their children early enough to encounter Christ as well.

Another level of encounter during the week end is for priests and religious who attend the weekend.

A lot of people often wonder what this category of people go to a week end for. Let us not forget that Priests and religious are also married to the greatest spouse, Jesus Christ. During the weekend, they first Encounter their self and then encounter Jesus Christ, their own spouse. If there are two priests at the weekend, they Encounter each other. This means they try to understand each other. Priests and religious live in communities and it is not an easy thing. If you Encounter yourself and know what motivates your behaviour and other priests’ behavior, it will be easier to live together.

The priesthood can also be very lonely. But encountered priests are not lonely because they have encountered couples to journey with. They understand what motivates certain behaviours and share the same values like encountered couples and have the tools to maintain healthy relationships with couples. This does not say that there is perfection. Not at all! There is room for human weakness. The bottom line is encountered priests and religious do very well with encountered couples.

In Marriage Encounter, you Encounter yourself, your spouse and Jesus Christ. Priests encounter themselves, fellow Priests and their spouse Jesus Christ; and the Christians they are called upon to serve.

Religious Encounter themselves, their fellow religious, (male/male; female/female).

The goal of a M.E. Week End is to make you know yourself, know your spouse and know Jesus Christ. This enhances love, understanding, tolerance, and working together for success in marriage and in their lives.

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Marriage ought to be thrilling

Do you remember the period of romance when, as a young person, you just met the one who, today, is your spouse?

How was it like? I mean when you just fell in love.

Can you remember how your heart used to beat with love?

Was what you loved most at the time not for both of you to be together?

I can bet that when you first met the one who is your spouse today and that small voice inside you said, “This is the one you must spend the rest of your life with,” you felt different. You must have felt happier than if you had hit a gold mine.

When you find someone your heart goes for, things become different for you. There is no natural force I know as strong as love.

The period before marriage is usually full of romance; a very thrilling time for many people.

When you just get married, it is the same. Your love is at its peak.

Sadly, this does not last for long. Soon, challenges emerge; differences begin to surface; the excitement starts to dissipate. The heat or steam that you had for each other drops and eventually becomes history. Then you begin to yearn for a come-back.

Unfortunately, it is not easy to bring it back, which makes you angry, disappointed, and frustrated; and this could give birth to the idea of divorce in your mind. This clearly shows that if something is not done, your marriage might hit a rock.

The good news is many people manage to find a way to sail through this stormy ocean.

I know for some couples, attending a Marriage Encounter Week end has been the magic wand for them.

At a Marriage Encounter Weekend, you reexperience the pre-marital thrill of your relationship.

Yet, after the week end, if you are not careful, it will vamoose again; and will be hard to return.

You don’t have to let the heat go off your marriage. Keep it hot. There are things you can do to keep that fire of love between you and your spouse burning.

If you let that fire quench, that may be the end of your marriage. Your marriage might hit bottom and never get up.

If you know the tools to keep love hot in your marriage, use them. There is no use having tools and allowing them to lie wasted. If you use them rightly, your marriage will shine like light and radiate and touch others around you.

Those who attend marriage courses, to enrich their marriages, are usually given some tools to use to attain this objective.

I know the tools given at the Marriage Encounter week end because I attended one; and was so thrilled that I felt I should go to town and start announcing to everybody that there was something called a Marriage Encounter Week End that everybody should attend.

Many couples who attend this weekend have the same experience. But does this thrill continue for ever after the week end?

It doesn’t. It goes for a while for many and the the world around them swallows them. But a few keep it and so stand out conspicuously in their communities as ideal couples.

It is important to know why some couples fall back and why some shine on.

The couples who fall back are the ones who fail to implement what they learned at the week end. During the week end many concepts are taught. The couples open up to each other (husband to wife and vice versa) as they had never done before. Each couple focuses on itself. Husband knows himself and his wife better. Wife knows herself and her husband better. This leads to more understanding and love is generated at a high rate.

If a couple lives the concepts that they take home from the week end, they will continue to have a thrilling marriage experience.

If you have never attended a marriage Encounter week end or any marriage course, of course, with good help, you can still have thrill in your marriage.

We are committed to helping couples get the most from their marriage. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not to be endured. Remember how you felt about your spouse when you started. It may be you thought you would die if you did not get married to each other. But now, where is the love that gripped you like fever? It’s no longer there.

Why? Is it because your spouse has changed? Is it because your spouse was hiding their true colors before marriage and only brought them out when you were married?

Not so. It is that you are not using the tools that a couple needs to use to have a successful marriage. And you may not be using them because you don’t know them, or you may know them but are too lazy or not motivated enough to use them.

Even some couples who are encountered and so well equipped still are unable to generate that feeling that they had during their romance and which they relived during their Original Weekend.

We know how to help you regenerate that heat. We will equip those who are not equipped, and motivate you if you are not motivated so that you do what is necessary to do for your marriage to shine and light up the world around you.

You can be a role model in marriage. Why not? We need role models in the area of marriage to inspire other couples and especially young people as they look forward to getting into this very important institution.

Make sure you journey with us. Follow up and make sure you do not miss any of our publications. We give you this for free because we believe in marriage. We got help along the way from our Marriage Encounter Week End, and also the inspiration which many couples lack to dig deep into the weekend concepts. That is why we enjoy our marriage as we do; and wish to share our blessing. You can be like us and even better. Wear the armour of humility and close the door if pride comes knocking. You will be proud you did.

To God be the glory!

16 Marriage killers and what to do with them

These are feelings, attitudes, words or actions that can nail your marriage and destroy it. You need to know these killers so that you can handle them before they handle your marriage.

  1. Suspicion, lack of trust and jealousy. These three go together. They are very dangerous marriage killers. If you don’t trust your spouse, you will always be suspicious that something is going on behind your back. When you suspect, jealousy steps in. And once jealousy grips you, many things go wrong. Jealousy is a dangerous poison to the mind and kills a marriage like fast poison.
  2. Self centeredness. You care only about your own satisfaction. Once something goes the way you like you don’t care whether your spouse is equally satisfied or not.
  3. A closed up mind. You don’t listen to your spouse. Your spouse does not listen to you.
  4. Competition between husband and wife instead of using their couple power for the good of the relationship and the family.
  5. Poor communication. Good communication is the key to success in marriage. If you learn to communicate well, to dialogue well, you will always sort out your differences and live happily. But if communication does not flow, the marriage is in danger.
  6. Money: poor attitude with regard to money in the family and poor financial management. More problems between husband and wife come from money than from anything else.
  7. Weak faith: Failure to put God at the center of your marriage. Failure to pray for your marriage. If your faith and that of your spouse is weak, or the faith of one spouse is weak, that marriage will hardly do well because you will not put God at the center of your relationship. You will not be a praying couple. If the two of you are strong in your faith, it means you will put God at the center and will be prayerful. Nothing will come between you.
  8. Nagging: The nagging spouse is that spouse who never lacks a complain about the other person or things they consider not to be going well in the family .The nagging spouse is a fault finder. Always pointing out and complaining about the faults of the other person .
  9. Cheating:and infidelity: This is one of the worst marriage killers. It hurts deeply. Once you cheat on your spouse even if it is not discovered, your marriage dies a little .Cheating is a dangerous virus in marriage.
  10. Disrespect : This is another serious marriage killer. It hurts dl to know that your spouse has no respect for you.
  11. Running down your spouse. I have seen people who humiliate their spouses in public. Everyone has their pride. When you trample on them, you hurt their pride and kill something in them.
  12. Fighting: Once you hit your spouse, it is hard for things to be the same again.
  13. Blaming : Blaming is a marriage killer. Some spouses never see their own errors. They only see those of the other person; and like to put the blame on them for what ever goes wrong. This kills the marriage.
  14. Criticizing: criticizing your spouse is another marriage killer. While praise and appreciation build marriage, criticizing kills it especially when the criticism is baseless.
  15. Pride: This is a common marriage killer. Some spouses are full of pride and openly display an ‘I don’t care ” attitude and say if the marriage hits the rocks it means nothing to them. This attitude kills marriage.
  16. Technology. This is fast rising to the number one relationship killer. Browsing and paying more attention to others than to your spouse. What this does is it gradually erodes the love you have for each other. Before you know it, you are just two people living under the same roof but not in relationship. At such moments, you are vulnerable to infidelity, and cheating.

Dear friend, what do you do with these marriage Killers? Look at the questions below.

Questions:

  1. Do these marriage killers resonate with you?
  2. Which ones resonate the most?
  3. Are you ready to discuss these points with your spouse?

Waiting to hear from you. Thanks for reading!

How I like my spouse to be

I like my spouse:

  1. To love me;
  2. To be loving;
  3. To respect me;
  4. To be respecful
  5. To be faithful;
  6. To be honest;
  7. To know how to cook well;
  8. To be clean and neat;
  9. To dress well;
  10. To behave well;
  11. To know how to manage the home wisely;
  12. Not to be extravagant;
  13. Not to be wicked;
  14. To be welcoming;
  15. To have a positive attitude;
  16. To be creative and resourceful;
  17. To know how to apologize when she wrongs me or another person;
  18. To be hardworking;
  19. To love God and be prayerful.
  20. To be modest.

You wanna know… who you are to me ?

Do you know ..who you're to me ?
One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life. Khalil Gibran

“Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who

are committed to misunderstanding you”

Dream Hampton Thank you.   Philosophy through photography Pixabay

Are you ‘the’ Difficult Spouse?

Are you the difficult spouse?
Real relationships are not perfect and perfect relationships are not real !!
If you are a wife or husband and many occasions you realize , you are disappointed because of the other…..and think the other is the ‘difficult spouse’…. then this article is for you.I am thankful to you if you feel  the article is resonating with your thoughts and is helpful. There are two types of marriages.( Marriages are made in heaven.Is itn’t ?) Love marriage Arranged marriage ( In most of the eastern countries ) Irrespective of the type of marriage,both the man and the woman of his love have to adjust with each other in order to be compatible. In fact, post marriage life is full of challenges and it exposes the couple to myriads of issues. But we all know the truth.One day or other both the man & the woman have to face unpleasant situation of opposing & different opinions and views, in matters of their day-to-day ‘living together’ The reality of the so-called colorful future has to show its fangs,since it is waiting to strike first ! Once the misunderstanding happens and prolongs….There are two options available 1.You decided you are not going to adjust at all…then Apply for divorce and probably matter can come to end to the mutual satisfaction,and thus ending the very discussion I am trying to make. 2.If the above choice is not the option due to so many other pressing matters,( which is a bit lengthy topic, for some other time discussion )and you both have to live together,and you have to go along with the spouse, thus making the ‘misunderstanding part’ useless and even unnecessary. Why to quarrel at all in the first place ? Now it’s time to think. 1.Realize that ‘ married happily ever after ‘ is an illusion ( Maya ) 2.Understand that Wife & Husband belong to the same team and they have to work together for the success of their married life “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up”. Ecclesiastes4.9-10 3.We often hurt our spouse knowingly or unknowingly.Do you know the solution ? Ask for ‘forgiveness’ whole heartedly. 4.When Anger or Helplessness happens to one of you…just take a deep breath and allow the heated moment to pass.Don’t forget.. time’s the greatest healer. 5.Remember marriage is a vow,before God.

Now it’s time to put the following into action.

Don’t allow discord to remain ,not more than one minute,and your anger not more than a second. Don’t be bossy and do not take one another for granted. Respect individual feelings & make mutual adjustments Make sincere effort to avoid jealousy and Ego & revenge,be the first to make the other win the argument.( small trick I tell you…remember whoever does most talking is the one at fault ) Don’t deprive each other of your needs just to take the revenge Keep communicating,by which I mean try to find where exactly things are going wrong. Constantly tell to yourself…. Forget & forgive, I can go also wrong, live & let live, let us make best,out of the difficult situation, I trust you.

Finally

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers – Robert Quillen A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.-yourtango.com A marriage is a like a house. When a light bulb goes out, you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb. Happy Wives Club Marriage is meant to keep people together, not just when things are good, but particularly when they are not. That’s why we take marriage vows, not wishes. Ngina Otiende I asked an old man “which is more important? To love or to be loved?” Old man replied “which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing? – MarriageHumor, Instagram Which quote you liked most ?

Any thoughts on how not to be the Difficult Spouse ? What is your experience with your better half so far ?

Thank you.   Philosophy through photography Pixabay,Curiano.com

Hurt feelings in marriage

Hurt feelings are common in love;
Hurt feelings are common in marriage;
But why these hurt feelings!
Why hurt your spouse
Or your love?
Why say or do things that hurt your spouse?
Hurt feelings lead to hard feelings;!
And hard feelings inflict pain;
You must stop hurting each other?
Stop inflicting deep wounds on each other.
That is not why you got married;
Instead of saying things
That hurt your spouse,
Say things that please your spouse;
Things that make your spouse happy.
This means you must be careful
With what you say to your spouse.

Understanding your spouse in marriage

Understanding your spouse
Is primordial in marriage;
But it takes time to do so;
It does not come overnight;
Give yourself
Enough time to know
Your spouse;
It may take many years;
You may argue and quarrel
And fight;
Which is not encouraged;
But you must not give up
On each other;
Let it be clear:
The more you understand
Each other,
The better you relate;
A good understanding
Of your spouse
Makes for a good marriage;
And actually, wisdom demands
That you understand each other
Before you become a couple;
But it should not end there;
The endeavour to know
Each other,
And understand each other
Must be a marriage-long exercise.
When you understand each other
At the start,before marriage,
You build your marriage
On a solid foundation.
And an edifice
Built on a solid foundation
Has a rock to stand on;
Exactly what it takes to last.